It is hard to see the people you love in pain. Reasons are obvious, but it gets harder to see the ones who support you needing your support. Not everyone loves in the same way, some like to support and some like to be supported.
I write this day as we both changed positions; I am on the giving side and he is on the receiving. Life doesn’t give you many chances to hold those hands that were there always to hold your hands. When I write always I actually mean ALWAYS.
Me: I am feeling low
Answer: “I will be there in 20 minutes, let’s meet”
Me: I am so not in the mood to meet anyone or to talk
Answer: “I am coming and we will be in this together”
Not many of us are blessed with such relationship. A relationship you necessarily can’t define and there is of course no need to define it. Just for an overview, we argue like old couples, fight like 2nd graders, our every meeting comprises of long drives, a million footsteps, philosophies and never ending discussions.
He is the one who made me realize how differently two human brains can work and the one who logically proved me wrong a couple of time the news is I ACCEPTED which I usually don’t.
He just went through a major surgery the day before and asked me to visit him early morning. Being dependent sucks at time, I don’t know how to drive and despite having a car most of the times in our porch I have to ask someone to drive me places.
Similarly, that day I asked a friend of mine to drive me to the hospital and it took a couple of hours. I reached there around noon and there he was laying straight on the bed, It took me some time to absorb the fact that he just got a surgery and he can’t move, talk or do anything like he can on the normal days. While still I was absorbing this I was told in a very lovingly way
“I missed my breakfast because I was waiting for you to come so that we can have breakfast together and now I was thinking I will miss the lunch too”
Just to end the argument I said “I am here now”
Because I know we will fight over this If I don’t say that. Surprisingly yes we fight on such small stupid things often.
We talked on a few things, he had his milk cup.
One doctor visited and then another. We sat there discussing nothing important but everything important. When the second doctor visited I was requested to leave the room for she was going to check his stitches and it was going to be disturbing for me.
I went out to the lobby sitting with a couple of thoughts. While walking to the lobby I noticed a few people, a mother running after her kid who just started walking, a few men sat at one corner observing people around.
As I stared at the empty corridor waiting for the doctor to leave his room I was getting flashbacks of time we spent together, walking, chatting and giggling. Everything was just moving before my eyes, the excitement of meeting his dog, the feelings of celebrating my birthday just with him. These flashbacks were so mesmerizing that I completely forgot where I am and a tear rolling down my skin woke me up after a while. I thought I missed the doctor so I stood up and started walking towards the room down the corridor and I was there just in time when the doctor left.
“Smile as bright as you can” that’s what I said to myself while opening the door and I just couldn’t. He was in pain the doctor made him see his stitches and the pipes inserted inside his chest to drain the unwanted blood. He was holding the pillow under his neck firmly with one hand, as his tolerance to the pain started decreasing his grip became tight and tight. The other hand was straight just there and reachable but it had a cannula on it. I wanted to hold his hand to make him feel better but that was not a choice.
He was almost moaning with pain and I found myself so miserable in the hands of fate.
“Hold it together” “Don’t think about it” “Stay strong” I was saying this to him but the same I was saying to myself inside in much higher tone.
We Humans, we are so strong yet so weak. We can actually hide a universe of secrets inside and a oceans of tears too but at times our soul wants to let everything go. The strain on our soul becomes so immense that it starts begging for mercy.
I tried to take his mind off the pain, I succeeded on and off, a couple of times, for a few seconds but it was all in vain. The pain was just not leaving his side, he asked me to visit the nursing station nearby and ask them for a painkiller. They injected the painkiller and still it was of no use. The doctor asked him to sit and walk but… In this much pain. The doctor also said to put on his shirt for there is a risk of infection. Pain.. Pain.. Pain..
The thing I know about pain is that you just have to let it do its job for you can’t fight it. The only reaction to pain is “BEARING IT”. When ever I am in pain be it mental or physical I just shut up, I lay down straight and think just one thing “Let’s see what you got! Let’s see who wins? I am a survivor, do everything you can, I will still rise again” for a record I have Mitral Regurgitation so I experience heartbreaking cardio pain with abnormal heart beat very often. My relationship with pain is not limited to this because I was once addicted to self injury, cutting, burning, inserting needles inside my skin my chore.
I asked him to do the same “Lets get you dressed because the doctor said so it is necessary, lets get all the pain at once and bear it” but this was not convincing enough. It took some time for him to hold it all together, sit and stand.
I walked him to the washroom, helped him brush his teeth. We came back and he said he was feeling all better the pain is bearable. Then I helped him put his shirt on. Buttoned it and we were all decent again looking better. I actually felt proud of myself for doing something for him finally.
His family came, I met them life was good. All the people who matter the most to him in one room. He was happy I could see that in his eyes. That was my reward moment seeing him smiling.
It was time to say Good Bye !